


Sel et Poivre

by The Librarina (tears_of_nienna)



Category: The Witcher (TV), Wiedźmin | The Witcher - All Media Types
Genre: Humor, M/M, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-21
Updated: 2020-04-21
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:34:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 529
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23775421
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tears_of_nienna/pseuds/The%20Librarina
Summary: Jaskier tells a story about the best inn he's ever played.
Relationships: Geralt z Rivii | Geralt of Rivia/Jaskier | Dandelion
Comments: 6
Kudos: 57





	Sel et Poivre

Let me tell you about the best inn I've ever played. It was this little inn in Temeria called the _Sel et Poivre_. I mean, they call it an inn, because there are rooms upstairs, but it's mostly a tavern, right? And all taverns are basically the same. Smoky and dim and full of drunk people who do farm labor by day and occasional banditry by night.

I'm traveling with a couple of friends, both far more pecunious than myself, so they pay coin for their rooms and I barter for mine with an hour of playing.

So the sorceress I'm traveling with—that's a story too, but not this story—she says it would be funny if I played "Toss a Coin To Your Witcher" twelve times in a row, for the whole hour. Now, I am not _un_ -susceptible to flattery, and frankly that song is my masterpiece, so I agree.

But we're also traveling with my friend Borch, and he says—well, let me tell you about Borch. The thing you need to know about Borch is, he's a genius. And he says, "That's great, but after the first five or six times, throw in a 'Fishmonger's Daughter.'"

You see what I mean? _Genius_.

So I start playing. A few people actually seem to know the song, which is gratifying. But the thing about the song is, the way the verses go...if you're not paying attention, you don't realize it that I'm repeating it. You just think, _hm, 'Toss a Coin To Your Witcher' is longer than I thought it was_. By the third or fourth time, though, they start to catch on. And I start to get a little worried, because there's a certain tension building in the room. A _miasma_ , if you will.

I finish the sixth play, and I start 'The Fishmonger's Daughter,' and the whole tavern _lights up_. It's like a feast day, like an armistice. Grown men and women openly weeping with relief.

I could have stopped there. I _should_ have stopped there. But I promised the sorceress I'd play the song twelve times, and I don't know about you, but I feel like it's unwise to break promises to people who can turn you into livestock with a gesture.

So I start playing 'Toss a Coin' again, and...it gets _bad_. Instantly bad. Flung cabbage bad. Flung _dinnerware_ bad. I'm actually starting to think that they might kill me.

You see, it turns out that the things a sorceress finds "funny" are the kinds of things that we mere mortals find "fatal." It also turns out that the sorceress wasn't as fond of me as I thought she was.

Fortunately, sitting in the dimmest, smokiest corner of the tavern, unbeknownst to all, was a certain ashen-haired fellow who happened to be the subject of that very song. Not the fishmonger song, the _other_ one. He walks right through the inn, through the hail of food and cutlery, scoops me up off my feet, and carries me off over his shoulder, lute and all, as I'm still singing.

And that is the story of the best inn I ever played.

**Author's Note:**

> With deepest apologies to John Mulaney.


End file.
